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Comments

Bronwyn G

I was impressed by the way you divided your story into clear subheadings. This may help when the stories you write grow longer, but this one was a little short. You might have a good linking or bridging signpost sentence to indicate you are changing topics. Don't worry, I find this hard too!

Mrs. Meeler

This is a good start to a much improved post but you are still missing many details.

I would like to more about your family. Do you and your brother and sister get along well? What is like having a brother and sister?

What are your hobbies? What do you like to do for fun?

What do you want to do when you grow up? How do you plan to acheive your goals?

These are details that should be added in your post. I want you to continue adding these details to make into the new and improved post that you want it to be!

Ms. Roper

You are on the right track Jadae. However, I do concur with Mrs. Meeler. You can add so many more details to your writing. She has given you tons of fantastic ideas.
I would also love to hear more about your family. You have a brother? I had no idea! Is he older or younger than you? What is it like having siblings? Do you get along with them? I am an only child and think that it would be difficult to have siblings.

Anne Davis

Writing can be hard but when you work through it and come up with a good piece, it is a good feeling. Here's a tip. Use your five senses to add some details. Ask yourself questions as follows:

What details can I add to help readers see a picture in their head about what I am writing?

Can I include descriptive words that will make readers feel like they can hear what is taking place?

Good start though! Don't give up!

Mrs. Davis

jadae

Dear Mrs.Roper,
I don't like tohave a brother or a sister. It is not fun cause my brother hits me.My brother is the oldest of me and my sister. I'm the oldest of my sister.my sister is the youngest of mee and my brother.

jadae

Dear Mrs.Roper,
I don't like tohave a brother or a sister. It is not fun cause my brother hits me.My brother is the oldest of me and my sister. I'm the oldest of my sister.my sister is the youngest of mee and my brother.

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Wow´╝îwish the killing would just stop.... for both sides ...

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