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Bronwyn G

I like how you put yourself into the persona of Eddie. I like the feeling he is telling this story from the grave. Perhaps next time you could get in more fully from Eddie's perspective. He is definitely a memorable character, so you can speak in his voice and we would believe it. He is larger than life.

I would also keep in mind a point of audience. Second-graders are reading this story. Now I realise they are much less protected and sheltered than I was when I was a child (we didn't have the Internet when I was a little girl, much less blogs), but it's really not proper to have stories about people being drunk. Or how they transform. Do you understand how children of six and seven could think that was really cool, even though they know how to discriminate between fantasy and reality? Having said that, your story was a very gritty one.

It depends on the kind of ideas you wanted to get across in this piece.

Mrs. Meeler

In addition to Brownwyn G.'s advice regarding your audience, keep in mind that there are two different kinds of writing, formal and informal. Our posts should be formal writing pieces because the whole world is our audience. You need to sound like the sharp, crisp student that you are. So, avoid using the slang such as "homies" etc. Talk to your audience in an appropiate polite manner, yet keep the humor. Transform your writing so that you deliver the message as your voice shines through in a formal unique process.

Keep up the good work!


Angel I think you will defiently mary Melina


that is a good story angel I like all your weblogs I hope the next one is good as this one.


I liked it when you were loco.


I'm sure you will become a wrestler.

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