Hello people, I'm not telling you all about news or weather or anything like that but I am going to tell you a little bedtime story for you little munchkins and the story is called Uncle Eddie's Bedtime Story. Okay homes this is my favorite story so you better not sleep.
Once upon a time there was a little boy and that would be me and so off one Saturday night I went to party and I was going a little loco, crazy until the police came and kicked me out. When I slowly walked home Old Man Buck gave me a soda can for no reason an ran away. I was thirsty so I drank the soda and then I was loco again and then I slept in the garbage can because I lost the keys to my house. It was seven in the morning and something was scratching my legs and guess what was scratching me, it was my keys.
I was so mad when I got home because a robber came into my house and stole my television. I fell asleep again and when I woke up there was a lady sleeping with me. I was scared and when I went down the stairs there were pictures of me as a wrestler. Now I know what's happening to me
to be continued...
I like how you put yourself into the persona of Eddie. I like the feeling he is telling this story from the grave. Perhaps next time you could get in more fully from Eddie's perspective. He is definitely a memorable character, so you can speak in his voice and we would believe it. He is larger than life.
I would also keep in mind a point of audience. Second-graders are reading this story. Now I realise they are much less protected and sheltered than I was when I was a child (we didn't have the Internet when I was a little girl, much less blogs), but it's really not proper to have stories about people being drunk. Or how they transform. Do you understand how children of six and seven could think that was really cool, even though they know how to discriminate between fantasy and reality? Having said that, your story was a very gritty one.
It depends on the kind of ideas you wanted to get across in this piece.
Posted by: Bronwyn G | January 19, 2006 at 01:14 PM
In addition to Brownwyn G.'s advice regarding your audience, keep in mind that there are two different kinds of writing, formal and informal. Our posts should be formal writing pieces because the whole world is our audience. You need to sound like the sharp, crisp student that you are. So, avoid using the slang such as "homies" etc. Talk to your audience in an appropiate polite manner, yet keep the humor. Transform your writing so that you deliver the message as your voice shines through in a formal unique process.
Keep up the good work!
Posted by: Mrs. Meeler | January 20, 2006 at 07:10 AM
Angel I think you will defiently mary Melina
Posted by: alex | January 25, 2006 at 11:05 AM
that is a good story angel I like all your weblogs I hope the next one is good as this one.
Posted by: pablo | January 25, 2006 at 11:06 AM
I liked it when you were loco.
Posted by: angel | January 26, 2006 at 05:39 AM
I'm sure you will become a wrestler.
Posted by: angel | February 02, 2006 at 05:39 AM